in the style of the hollow
Post created: 2021-11-25
In high school, a particular admonishment stuck out: don't apologize if you don't mean it. The apology was genuine, but my actions thereafter did not reflect that, and so they were particularly hurt. I think this was in 2013? And that I have changed since.
Ironically, I seem to be in this situation in various dimensions now: both in academic tutoring from the kid I'm helping, and also at a more personal level from whom I had considered a friend.
I'm not too sure what will happen with the former, but I think the chapter is finally closed for the latter. In a way, it is liberating. I had been actively ignoring various forms of gaslighting and inconsideration for the past two years, sometimes accompanied by another apology with hidden motives. A one to two ratio of good years to those less so: to put up with more is unfair to others in my life.
Well, for once, I can say that I really tried. Even got a second opinion on whether this would be unreasonable, for a change. I think I have some lasting regrets from others before where I did not try, but I think my conscience is clear for this one.
I tried reaching out to another food-insecure Reddit stranger in Pittsburgh, and they refused to accept the help. It's a little heartwarming, a little sad. Do they seem entirely sound of mind? No. But the majority of their comments are kind and I believe that they would genuinely make better use of $100 than me sticking it into some abstract concept of future savings.
I'm not sure where this part of my personality comes from. In elementary, lunch money. In high school, the occasional donation and that other Reddit person. It's just a very warm feeling that advocates action whenever I see good people trying their best. Probably my mom's influence, which I'm lucky to have. It's like the opposite of that common quip about being surrounded by assholes. Instead, she often says that we're lucky because we tak pai ngo diok ho lang (always encounter good people).
Will be celebrating actual thanksgiving for the first time later today! Life's not perfect, but there's a lot to give thanks for.