oof. I look forward to the day that I have more adventures than misadventures on my bike.

I probably should get the gear slipping checked out.

Grades aren’t finalized yet, but they’re looking to be much better than expected. I might actually list again, subject to peer evaluation whims, not that it matters much plus I broke the streak last semester anyway.

I’d say there’s a much stronger correlation between my general mental state and grades, than between units and grades. There’s probably some correlation between units and free time though. Then again, units and FCEs are wildly inaccurate.

I’ve had quite a lot of time to think now. Perhaps too much time.

A conflict: in the short term, I am in the privileged position of being able to chase material things. But I really have little to no interest in doing so, or in working for something that I don’t believe in. But because I am in this position, it almost feels like I should? I wouldn’t say I regret it necessarily, but perhaps giving up early this year wasn’t macro optimal. Or at the very least, I should have prepared a little.. though I suppose if I were to make excuses, I spent most of those weeks tilted beyond belief.

Temporary resolution: its been a long time since I’ve had more than a day to myself - no schoolwork, no commitments, no worries, just me and me. I now have three flexible months to explore and do whatever I want - so I should make full use of that.

Another conflict: my interest in teaching is alive again. Like a deciduous tree.. it died in the fall, but a good spring and I’m finding myself… wasting?… time on it again. How can I justify spending time on it? and yet I do want to spend a few weeks on creating material..

Temporary resolution: it shouldn’t be more than a 2-3 week effort to create average notes for 440. It is more justifiable, being an elective that people might not otherwise take. Not that anybody will read it. ah.. I wish I was at 3b1b level. something to aim for.

Yet another conflict, and perhaps the root of it all: somewhere along the line, I’ve started seriously considering alternative endgames. But those bring a completely different set of win conditions, and going through the motions becomes insufficient.

and to this, I have no resolution. Either I find one soon, or I stop thinking about it - brings about negative value. I’ve effectively been vegetating for the past couple of days. Isn’t the human mind fascinating? It can amuse itself, humor itself, tilt itself.

Perhaps my last post before I decide to clean up this little space. My domain name is expiring anyway.

A tree with feet.

Written on May 21, 2018